Snupin
Title: For Which My Soul Did Pine
Pairing: Remus/Severus
Rating: PG13
Summary: Remus Lupin escapes to the Muggle World after the war but cannot escape what he has always longed for.
Warnings: Not really canon compliant with HBP and DH but it doesn't really matter that much. It's just a short ficlet.
Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own these characters.
A/N: Just a little ficlet I've had swimming round my brain. X-posted.



---- ---- ----

"That'll be twenty-seven fifty, sir," the very bored clerk said to the tawny-haired man.

The man gave a sort of spasmic cough and fumbled for the money he was just now becoming familiar with. "Right," he said and paid her. "Seems so much just for tea."

"All our specialty items are expensive, this ain't England, you know." She popped her chewing gum loudly.

Remus' eye twitched a little. He hated teenagers these days; little wretches with no respect for anything. That was clear by this young girl, no older than seventeen, with frizzy damaged hair dyed purple and black. She wore a hideously large, silver ring in her eyebrow and her dirty jeans were torn at the knees.

He momentarily wanted to say something about how teenagers would get more respect if they respected themselves a little more, but before he could, she slapped his change into his hand and thrust his small plastic sack of 'specialty' tea at him.

"Thanks," he muttered and ambled out of the crowded, rather smelly supermarket. The streets were somewhat deserted in this weekday afternoon which meant that Remus could walk back to his home without being accosted or otherwise goggled at for his rather different appearance.

At first glance Remus was just a normal man, save for the fact that he was an Englishman living in the United States which wasn't abnormal, but this small town seemed to have relatively little foreigners. But apart from that, although Remus could don regular clothes, known as Muggle clothes to him, he never really felt right in them. That, and the exposed skin on his arms and face were littered in faint, long, thin scars.

The truth of it was, however, that Remus was not a normal man. Not a normal Muggle or a Wizard. He was, apart from other things, a werewolf. He was war-torn, bitter and had lost everything that had ever been considered dear to him.

The first man Remus had ever loved, Sirius Black, had perished years before in battle. Just after that, a dear friend, Nymphadora Tonks, had fallen in love with him. He did his best to try to love her but in the end he was forced to admit it would never work. Besides, his heart did belong to someone else, but that someone else didn't love him.

His name was Severus Snape. Snape had committed many "war crimes" and was absolved of them but before Remus could begin to inquire whether or not they could rebuild what they once had, Snape disappeared.

Half the Wizarding world presumed him dead, the other half didn't give a sod where he'd got to and promptly forgot he had been one of the only people who stuck by his mission, despite his heinous orders.

So, at a loss, and feeling more alone than he ever thought possible, Remus Lupin left. Not just the wizarding world, but England as well. He felt the strong desire to be as far away as he possibly could from anyone he had ever known, so he ended up selecting the name on a map and landed himself on the furthest west coast of the United States.

Things weren't easy. He still lived as a Wizard and still saw glimpses of the American Wizarding society, which was albeit smaller than Europe's, just as prominent. He had settled into his life as best he could, taking up a job running a small bookstore. He lived, perhaps not a happy life, but one that was content because he was not constantly reminded of everything he had lost.

That was, until one rather hot, summer's afternoon, while he was walking away from that supermarket, when he saw a very familiar face.

Or at least, he thought he had seen. It was just a flash of long, greasy black hair and that prominent, hooked nose before said person walked into a tall, brick building that only had the address printed on the glass door. Shaking his head, Remus walked to the building and slipped inside before he really realised what he was doing.

Just inside was a long corridor and several office doors. The doors had numbers on them, but like the front door, had no other indication what they might be. They clearly weren't homes so Remus felt a little less like he was intruding.

Venturing all the way down the corridor, Remus finally found a door with a sign that read in faded letters, Brooks Audio Inc. Remus frowned tried the door but it was locked. He hung about for a few minutes but as time wore on he started to convince himself it was just a trick of his imagination.

What would someone like Severus Snape be doing in this small town, in some rundown Muggle building? Feeling a bit foolish, Remus hurried out of the building and made his way back home.

-------- ------ --------

"Small shipment today," said Steven, the only other person that worked with Remus at the bookshop. "Want me to do inventory?"

Remus, who had just stepped in, shook his head. "No, thank you, I'll take care of it today. I'm not in a very social mood." That was true. Ever since Remus had thought he saw Severus Snape, he had been increasingly agitated and found himself constantly looking over his shoulder.

"You alright?" Steven asked with a frown. He was used to a more cheerful, friendly Remus Lupin. He had been working with Remus for the past five years and had never known the man to brood.

"Oh fine. Just having an off day," Remus said waving his hand.

"Well you're in luck then," Steven said as he handed Remus the box of inventory. "There's something in that box to cheer you right up."

"Oh?" Remus asked with a forced smile. He thought bitterly that unless the box contained one Severus Snape, he would not be cheered at all.

"Just go look," Steven said and waved Remus away.

Remus was also befuddled by his morose mood. True, after the war he had expected to find some peace with Snape. He had waited for Snape, and even when Sirius had come back from Azkaban, Remus had only wanted Severus. But Remus was not the kind of person who felt so sad all the time. He was usually cheerful and even if he was a bit lonely at times, he was a relatively happy sort of person.. Remus supposed it was catching a glimpse of someone who looked like Severus accompanied by the thought that Severus really was out there somewhere that made his mood shift.

He wondered perhaps, as he tore off the wrappings of the day's shipment, if he was meant to mourn the loss of his future with Severus forever. He had ample opportunity to date but he had always refused. No one ever measured up to the ugly, snarky man, as odd as that was.

Shaking his head and trying to force himself out of these thoughts, Remus pulled away the bubble-wrap and saw, lying on a bed of crumpled packing paper, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Coleridge on audio cd.

"Oh," Remus breathed. He had always been an intense Coleridge fan, purchasing every first edition he could get his hands on of every one of Coleridge's works.

Remus removed one of the cd's, unwrapped it and quickly popped it into the cd player Steven kept in the small office. Shutting the door, Remus pushed the play button, sat back, closing his eyes.

"The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, as read by Sebastian Prince," said an official sounding voice. There was a pause and then a voice, so familiar that it pierced straight through Remus like a dagger, sounded in the room, "It is an ancient mariner, and he stoppeth one of thee, by thy long beard and glittering eye, now wherefore thou stopp'st thou me?"

The voice spoke measured, perfectly timed and deep. Remus felt his face flush and panic flooded through him. He didn't hear the voice any longer as he scrambled for the cd. Tearing open the case, he ripped out the cover and desperately searched for a picture, or any other sort of information on said narrator.

The only thing that existed was a small paragraph that read, 'Sebastian Prince can also be heard on various works of Shakespeare, W.B. Yeats, Robert Frost and Emily Dickenson as sold by Brooks Audio Inc.'

Remus let out a puff of air and switched off the cd player. It was too much. Far too much. He had been there. There was no mistaking that voice and Remus had known deep down there was no mistaking Severus Snape, not by any other name, not in Muggle clothes.

And Remus had been there in that building with him, separated by nothing more than a plain, wooden door. He had even had his wand on him that day and could have easily charmed the door open.

"Oh," Remus said to himself, shaking his head almost violently. "Severus."

----- ------- -----

Day four of staking out the building where Brooks Audio Inc was housed yielded no results. Remus had called Steven, insisting he was too ill to come in and he had staked himself outside of that old rundown building.

Day five had again yielded no results and Remus was beginning to lose heart. Who knew when Severus was working again. And, despite his first conviction, who knew if it really was Severus at all. Maybe Remus was just wishing too hard for something he so desperately wanted.

Remus found himself brooding over this as he sat in a small restaurant on the sixth day that he had not seen Severus. Giving up a bit early, Remus had gone into the nearby restaurant, took a table by the window and watched the passers-by.

He was lonely, he realised. And not lonely for just anyone, but for someone from his past that made him feel whole. With Sirius, Remus had always come second to James. With Tonks, Remus had been this sort of odd fantasy fulfillment but with Severus, he had been just Remus. Werewolf, yes, and part hated, yes, but loved? Well, he had thought so once.

Taking a sip of his wine, Remus nearly choked on the swallow as, just then, Severus Snape walked past the window. This time, for that split second, Remus had a full view of his face and there was no longer any doubt.

Throwing a handful of money on the table, Remus ran out the door and started to follow Severus down the street. He had nearly caught up to Severus when his reason had caught up with him and said, "So what, exactly, are you going to say?"

Remus’ steps slowed a bit. What was he to say to Severus? I know you refused to be with me after the war and never attempted to contact me but hey, let’s shag? Bygones be bygones?

Remus had nearly forgotten that it was Severus who had rejected him the first time and probably would again. Remus had barely registered that Severus was now walking into a pub that looked rather dodgy and dirty.

Wrinkling his nose, Remus decided he had to chance it. He hadn’t been brooding and wishing this long to just let Severus slip through his fingers once again. Putting his hand on the door, Remus wrenched it open and walked inside.

It was more crowded and far noisier than Remus had anticipated and he had to squint through a cloud of smoke to finally see where Severus had got to. The black-haired man was seated at the bar and he was talking, what looked like rather harshly, to another patron who was leaning in towards him.

Remus crept forward and hung back just in earshot in time to hear Severus say, "I am not interested in anyone. However, were I interested, my standards would be far too high to even consider dating someone such as yourself who is capable of saying something like that in a chat-up. In other words," Severus said and paused for good measure, "fuck off."

"Jerk," the man muttered and got up, striding away.

"You still have a way with your words," Remus said as he slid into the vacated seat.

Severus stared at Remus with no expression but his shock rendered him momentarily mute. Remus took that opportunity to order a drink and size Severus up.

They hadn’t seen each other in nearly ten years but Severus hadn’t changed much. Greyer, and a little thinner, but other than that, very much the same Severus.

"What are you doing here?" Severus eventually asked, his voice icy and indifferent.

"Saw you come in and I followed you," Remus said simply, taking a sip of his scotch.

Severus’ black eyes narrowed. "You’ve been following me?"

"No," Remus said with a small grin, "I was eating and saw you pass the window. How could I pass up this opportunity to say hello."

"Easily," Severus snapped. "I would have."

"I know," Remus said with a sad smile. "How have you been?"

"Smashing," Severus sneered. "You look well fed."

Remus rolled his eyes. "I’m doing better for myself as a Muggle than I ever could have living as a werewolf in London." He gestured towards Severus’ Muggle trousers and thick, black jumper. "Yourself?"

"I don't see how that's any of your business," Severus said and turned his gaze away from Remus. "But I'm doing quite well."

"I thought so. Coleridge? How was that job?" Remus asked easily. When Severus’ eyes snapped angrily back to Remus’ face, the tawny-haired man said, "I recognised your voice on my newest shipment of stock. I run a bookshop."

"How typical," Severus sneered.

"Suits me, just as your career seems to suit you. Does it pay well?" Remus tried to keep his tone conversational despite how much he longed to tell Severus how much he missed him.

"Better than a bookshop," Severus said. The sneer in his tone had been replaced by bored indifference.

"I’ll bet," Remus drained his scotch just as Severus had finished his and they signalled for another. "Been here long?"

"Five years," Severus said.

"I can’t believe I haven’t seen you before," Remus said with wide eyes.

"I keep to myself, Lupin. Surely you remember that."

"Oh yes," Remus said sadly. "I very much remember."

"Is that what this little chat is about?" Severus demanded. "I can assure you, my views of our... whatever we had... liaison, haven’t changed."

"I didn’t expect they would have," Remus said. "I saw you and thought you might like a bit of company."

"You thought I might like a bit of company?" Severus asked incredulously. "Have you lost your mind?"

Remus laughed. "Not yet, Severus. I just... I couldn’t help it. I miss you."

"Why not go back to London. I’m sure you’d have a queue of well wishers outside your front door in a minute. Can’t they fill the hole deep inside you?" He added that last line with mocking contempt.

"I don’t-" Remus said and shook his head. "They aren’t what I want, Severus. You’re the only one who ever-"

"Enough," Severus said, holding up his hand. "Enough."

"Why?" Remus asked through now-clenched teeth. "Why is it always too much for you? What is your excuse now, Severus? Now that the war has ended, no one is standing round to mock you or me for the person we choose to be with. No one is here to ask questions or give reasons why we should choose another. So... why?"

"Did it ever occur to you that perhaps I lost interest?" Severus snapped. He drained his third glass of scotch and ordered another.

Remus winced. It, in fact, had not occurred to him that Severus has lost interest. Rubbing his face he took a delicate sip of his drink and spoke to his hands. "You were the only one I could ever bring myself to do anything for, Severus. Everything I was fighting for, every freedom, every right, every life, was yours. I couldn’t see anything beyond the war but us. I’m such a fool."

When Remus looked up, Severus was staring at him, glassy-eyed and stoic. His fingers were toying with the rim of his empty glass and his mouth was set in a firm, straight line.

"You’ve always been a fool, Lupin," he said.

Remus nodded and pulled out a small wad of money, setting it on the top of the bar. "Goodnight, Severus. Thank you, at least, for telling me that."

Remus pushed himself away from the bar and hurried outside of the pub. He was shivering, but he couldn’t tell if it was cold outside or not. He wrapped his arms round his middle and started walking, but he’d only gotten a few steps down the pavement when fingers closed round his upper arm and he was yanked into the alleyway.

Before he could even think to grab his wand, he was spun round and found himself staring nose-to-nose with Severus.

"What-" he started but then Severus was kissing him hard, fast and desperately, Severus’ long, thin fingers clutching at him so hard it was painful.

Remus groaned and fisted his hands in Severus’ jumper, holding on so tightly that his knuckles were white.

"Bastard," Severus hissed against Remus’ mouth when the kiss ended. "You bastard."

"Severus," Remus said.

"I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing you. I wanted to go the rest of my life without seeing you. I don’t want this, Remus! I don’t want this complication."

It barely registered with the tawny-haired man that Severus was calling him Remus now. "I love you," Remus whispered.

"I know you stupid, stupid man," Severus growled, holding on to Remus tighter. "Only a complete fool would love a man like me."

Remus laughed a little, feeling dizzy and half-terrified that Severus would let him go. But he never did. They stood there for the longest time, Severus clutching Remus to his chest and then, very softly, Severus spoke.

"Come home."

Remus looked up with wide, pleading eyes. He had heard those words in his head so many times, but never did he think Severus would say them again. Not after the war. "It’s been so long," Remus said.

Severus nodded and said, "I think it’s finally time."