really really long RL rant
Okay well Adia just erased my entire post, which kind of sucks because I hate retyping. I'm cutting in case you don't want to read about RL and this is a major rant dealing with the psychosis of John's Mother.

So okay I'd like to just say 'Where was I' but I can't. John's Mother, whom I shall refer to as JM, is a psycho bitch. Now anyone who knows me knows that I am very sympathetic to anyone who has any psychological issues considering my son and my sister, but GOD DAMN! This bitch... *arg*

When I first met her I didn't really think twice about her and her "rants". Before the baby, two things were different; 1) I didn't think I was going to end up staying with John so I didn't bother to pay attention to much in his life, that included his mother's weird-o rants in the middle of the night over pretty much nothing. And 2) She worked a lot so most of the time that I was there, she was not, so I wasn't subjected to many of her off-the-wall freak-outs.

Now that baby is born, I have been privy to many a rant that I wish I hadn't been. Not because I can't take it, or that I take ANYTHING she says to heart, but it's so different for me that it causes something in me to recoil almost violently.

Here's what I mean. First I want to begin by saying that one of my most disliked psychology teachers made a very true statement in his class. "Everything said has some measure of truth" and I wholly believe that. Not only do I believe that to be true, but I believe it to be most true when one is speaking or ranting and is emotionally charged.

A lot of people go back and apologise, saying, sorry I didn't mean those things, I was just angry. Well in my opinion, I find those moments are when people speak the MOST truth. I'll admit right now that most often I'm being MOST honest when I'm hysterical and angry/sad/happy etc.

JM has this issue where she doesn't want anyone to touch anything in her house ever, at all, at any time. She once described her dream house to be a house that looked like no one lived in it. She walks around at people's ankles wiping up the invisible feet marks on the floor that only she can see. She told me about her dream house and then proceeded to say, "But then I went and had fucking KIDS, and well, all my dreams went out the window."

Then, it was about a month ago, maybe... she was in the middle of one of her psychotic rants and she said (and I'm quoting this directly) "I just wish my two FUCKING KIDS would join the army, go to Iraq and get killed. I watch the news and these FUCKING MOTHERS on there sobbing about how their precious children got shot in Iraq and I think to myself, oh if ONLY I could be so LUCKY. But oooh no, with my luck they're going to outlive ME. I fucking hope I die young so I can be rid of those two FUCKING leeches."

I didn't even know what to say. I was literally struck dumb. No matter what my kids ever did or said to me EVER, I would never wish they would die or never have been born. Ever. They are my life and although I'm not really a "kid person" I couldn't imagine my life without them.

She repeatedly tells me that I should have gotten an abortion and my life would be so much better if I had never had Adia. She even went as far as to say that maybe I should have just let her lay on my lap and die at the hospital when she turned blue.

From the moment those words left her mouth I knew that she would be the one person on earth that I would not be sad about if she died. I probably wouldn't even be sad if she died some horrible, painful death.

The other day she said that because I am not yet a college grad, I'm raising my kids wrong and they'll probably be whoring themselves on the street by the time they turn thirteen.

By that point I had already learned to block most of her shit out. But that doesn't mean I don't hear these words.

I know one thing, if I had a choice of being her child or not existing, I'd rather not exist. She honestly should have been sterilised before having her kids. I no longer wonder how it's possible for John to be such a useless asshole. If she had been MY mother, I'd probably be the same and I weep for the man and woman that John and his sister end up with.

My parents might not have been great. They might have been stoners who made very bad decisions. Often I asked myself, "How did I end up out of their care as sane and normal as I am?" Well after meeting John and JM, I realised why. My parents gave me two things he never had; Love and Compassion.

John had money, education, never wanted for anything material or physical. He had enough to buy his own house at 18 and his first car was a brand new Lexus. He went to private schools and wore Ralph Lauren and Gucci. But none of that means anything when you have a mother who repeatedly tells you she regrets your existence. None of that matters when you are a four year old living in a house you're not allowed to make a single mess in. JM literally had a break down because five year old sister of John spilt catsup on the floor.

By the time they were in elementary school they knew not to make a hint of a mess anywhere on anything, if only to save themselves. John constantly talks about how they spent from dawn to dusk playing outside... well it's a pretty clear reason WHY. She even used to hose them off with the garden hose before letting them step foot inside. They also had to shower twice a day.

I would have off'd myself, and I mean that in the most literal sense. I would not have survived to High School.

Anyway, that was my long-winded rant. As soon as I am able, I'm leaving this whole family behind and never looking back. Ever. I'm so sorry to John but he can't cut the umbilical chord and I can't allow my daughter to grow up near a woman like that. If he really wants to do the right thing by her, he will make the effort to keep Adia as far away from that as possible.

In other random news, (my attempt to lighten the mood after all that) Isabella is going to be five years old in a week and a half! FIVE! I can't even believe it. And Just two weeks after that, Christian will be seven. Two weeks after that is my birthday and oy vey I feel old. LOL.

Thanks for listening, if you did.